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What about being Mevater?

I was recently speaking to a lovely group of women.

(In person! Sitting on chairs! Just like in the good old days!)

We were speaking about the topic of being a good Receiver. And how important that is for all relationships.

(Not sure? Notice what happens next time you give your friend a compliment. How did you feel if she deflected it with "But it wasn't really good because..."? How would you feel if she smiled and said, "Thanks!"?)

We spoke about how being a mekabel is especially powerful in the male/female relationship.

And we brought an example of when your husband offers you a choice.

"Do you want to go to the park? Or bowling?"

And you smile and say, "I would love to go bowling - thanks!"

And the question came up:

But what about being mevater?

What if you husband wants one of those things? Wouldn't it be better to defer and say - whatever YOU want?

And I explained the foundation that none of us learned in high school. Or seminary. Or, most likely, any shalom bayis class we've ever attended.

Since a man is a Mashpia, he feels happy, fulfilled and strong when he can make his wife happy by fulfilling her desires.

Which is why one of my former students messaged during a recent class: Why didn't they teach us this stuff in school? Why did we only learn about having mesirus nefesh for our marriage???

Which is why, when my daughter's engaged friend expressed her discomfort with receiving compliments and gifts from her chassan, I sent her this text to forward to her:

Hey! Who knew that "working on your marriage" could actually be as warm and soft and wonderful as this?

How have you practiced being a receiver in your marriage? How did it go for you - I would love to hear!

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